Fear of Flying Solo

 I do not fear of failing because I there is normality and chances of improvement in imperfection. I do not fear rejection because I trust my creativity and wit to fulfill the opportunity that I have failed to receive. I do not fear change because I love an adventure. I do not fear the public because I can conform from my unconventionality, and benefit from whatever remarks I am given. Despite my bravery and this "heroine" image I deliver, there lies a frailness that I am not too comfortable in admitting.

Beyond my talents and skill lies a quiet and ominous person, but that's someone no one wants to be with. Hence I become a different person on the outside, loud, ebullient and talkative; become a contagious energy that appeals to my crowd. My chattiness keeps the energy constantly moving in order to avoid the silent awkwardness.  Depending on the crowd or to my instincts, my attitude changes just so whoever I am conversing with is comfortable in my presence. However, within every change I become, I wonder where I benefit from all this. At times I lose myself, and forget the person that I normally am. I do this with hope of finally being able to fit within a crowd, but I remain a walking ghost. That is the fear, to be forever alone and not have any significant memories. Its not that I cannot live without attention, but rather that I am fearful of loneliness.


For example, my daily life includes having to entertain people with my abilities in the Arts. As my audience and I exchange words of gratitude, I become satisfied and content. However, there will be one day when my talents will be useless and I will become incapable of my profession . And when that day comes, I wonder who will treasure me wholesomely. Besides my parents, I wonder if there will ever be a person beyond my family who would still consider me, for me. It scares me because I wonder when I finally become an adult and seek independence, the reality  no longer resembles highs school where the possibilities of friendships are everywhere and I don't know who to trust. Most importantly I happen to be a horrible person to converse with due to the speed of my speech, my ability to make situations awkward, and the overall fact I can be a boring person to converse with.

Another reason I fear loneliness is because I have suffered a great loneliness that is both saddening yet natural. When I was twelve, at the same year two of my good friends have died, and I thought that I would never find the same friends again. The once person I was able to connect with, talk with and patiently listen to was no longer on this Earth. The irony is I have a fear of loneliness but I sometimes have negative thoughts about having close friends again. I don't assume that I would lose a friend to death, but generally the idea of being alone again. Also because ever since I moved to Canada, my other friends, ones whom I've grown up with, are no longer with me. They are no longer here to  comfortably talk and reminisce childhood with. However, I enjoy the idea of having new friends, but finding a person that I can compatibly sync with is completely different and a hard thing to do.


When someone asks me what I'm afraid of, instantly I answer that its rats. I also suffer musophobia (fear of rats) and begin to zealously and dramatically describe my abhorrence towards those disease carrying and decay-smelling cretins. However, my positivity serves as a barrier to protect me from possibilities of getting hurt again, or to mask my weakness. Death is inevitable, disappointing but natural; I've moved on. I also don't look forward to the day I become unnecessary, because I have big ambitions and I want to focus on them for now. If I keep thinking about being lonely (again) or being ineffectual, they are most likely to happen. Therefore I keep a bright and spunky composure, and try to forget about all my fears.